hospital

the hospital experience sticks with you

i can still taste the metallic tracer they injected into my IV tube for my CT scan

I can still feel the pin prick on my arms as they needed blood samples, IV inserts

i can still feel the pain of trying not to bend my arm in fear of the IV tube coming out

I can still sense the overbearing omnipresent IV tree that sustains me, taking it everywhere i go. my tree of life, the fountain for me.

I can still remember lying down with no sense of tiredness just wanting the hours to pass by

I can still remember the smell of my own decay and rot

I can still remember trying to sleep at night, but being constantly woken by bright lights from outside and talking nurses.

I can still remember nurses, 2 hours at a time on the dot, wanting to take my blood pressure, hand in here, stick out your index finger, and put this underneath your tongue.

I can still remember the adjustable bed, no matter which way you turn it, you're not going to sleep. up, down, it's still the same. just let the hours pass.

I can still remember walking in my sick man's gown, having people stare at me while I carry my IV tree with me. (You're in a hospital for fucking sake's, you're the weird one for being dressed so normal)

I can still remember finding that piano in the cafetaria and the joy in me.

I can still remember hearing the piano and knowing that it was far too sharp

I can still remember my disappointment in trying to play the piano without bending my arm - music still came through and though it was rigid, it was beautiful.

I can still remember the lady that sat beside the table where the piano was just so she could listen to me.

I can still remember seeing her in tears

I can still remember her dismayed voice saying, "You're done? I came to sit here just so I can hear you play."

I can still remember the man as I left the piano saying "The piano man, the piano man!" a triumphant parade for a pitchy and stiff performance

I can still remember the feeling I had to connect with someone, even though I felt physically, emotionally, and spiritually unable to do so

I remember Rosemary

I remember my disappointment when none of my friends came to visit me during my second stint at the hospital

I remember my happiness when I'd see my folks, sometimes with my sister, come to my bedside and listen to my wimper bitching

"I'm so fucking bored, see this IV tube, I can't bend my arm, I can't shit and when I do, I got to put this wizard's robe somewhere else, but not too far because it's fucking attached me because of this fucking IV tube. fuck this IV!"

I remember the times when my folks would encourage me to walk around the hospital

"c'mon walk, silly boy, try it out"

"ok" wizard robe on body and IV tree in hand.

I'm surrounded by people at their worst state, we're all having our worst days.

I remember not showering for one week,

I remember having dandruff slimed head hair with a body that smelt equally as bad.

probably cause I kept on farting - my lack of bowel movements

(the smell of my own rot and decay)

I remember constantly having to take pees

(bring the tube to the other side, slowly push yourself off the bed with one arm, dangle your legs, put your slippers on, carry your tree to the door, open the door and leave the tree near the entrance, push the toilet wheel chair aside, but before that, take off the brake wheels, swish your wizard's robe aside and let your internal fountain do its bidding in the toilet bowl. put back the toilet wheelchair and proceed in getting out, jumble up the paper towel and try to throw it in the garbage, FUCK! MISSED AGAIN!)

I can still remember the pain of the first night of my second stay.

I can still remember bending over whilst sitting as though the weight of the world was on my back

I can still remember being barely able to walk to the nurse as she showed me to the emergency room bed

I can still remember lying down and thinking this is the most gruesome, disgusting, embarrassing, degrading thing I've been through my whole life.

I can still remember the pulsing pain in my stomach, as though someone was taking a bat to it from the inside

(swing that motherfucker, beat that little shit till he's out cold)

I can still remember crying because of the pain, something I rarely ever do. To cry over physical pain, such a petty excuse for tears.

I can still remember the first dose of morphine they gave me and how it tore through my body, doing more harm than it did good.

it rushed through me like a rapidly advancing army, killing all in sight, good/bad, who gives a fuck, we're a killing machine.

I can still remember the morphine finally settling and the comfort it brought me

I can still remember my folks coming to bedside with their own tears as they saw my tears. they gripped my hand and at those moments, I melted back into childhood

I can still see the bottles that I peed in whilst in the emergency room

I can still remember the anxiousness I had with the nurses coming in and knocking over one of the bottles.

I can still taste the constant puke in my mouth, mango and saliva, I hadn't eaten in 2 days, what was in my stomach. I don't know? we'll concoct some shit up.

I can still remember puking in cardboard bowls and plastic bags.

first the saliva and then the heavy coughing and the the ARGHAAAAAA.

(can someone please take this bowl?)

I remember being wheeled out of my emergency room because some mechanics were fixing a light fixture in my room.

I remember puking more outside.

that fucking morphine and gravol.

I remember my room mate Jung who offered me a pair of socks,

I remember how he had the same problem I had, only his appendix actually exploded

I remember prepping for surgery and how they stuck that medicine up my ass and the astonishment and surprise that came with it.

I remember when they had to do it again because it fell out.

I remember Chelsey and Sarah who were my other room mates, one of them constantly moaning in pain, the other always snoring.

God, I wish I was Chelsey, always sleeping or eating

I remember looking at my breakfast and saying "what the fuck"

jello? juice? tea? who eats this shit

I remember eating lunch with my family at the hospital and accusing them of "stealing from a defenseless man". Hannah ate my jello, I drank MSG, oh wait, chicken broth

I remember the moment when my folks drove me to the hospital at 1am Wednesday July 8th

I remember my folks asking me if it was stomach poisoning or if I had ate something odd

I remember Hannah finally saying that we should get mom and dad to look at me

I remember crumbling in the hallway of my home thinking that maybe crawling would be better than walking and having Hannah ask me, "what's wrong?" My friend just had appendicitis, maybe you do too.

I remember driving back home and not being able or at least in great pain to, to try to lift my right foot

I remember walking out of the theatre still standing somewhat straight

I remember the pain that was arising in me whilst I was watching Transformers

I remember the first night back after my second stint at the hospital and going to sleep

I remember the dreams I had of nurses coming over to my IV tree to replace my fluid/antibiotic/morphine bag

I remember waking up in the middle of the night and rubbing my arms fervently in fear that maybe I still had IV tubes in me. Those fucking blood suckers were mentally attached to me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The memory is jabbed into me like the IV tubes that pierced my veins. It's memory still lingers like the bruising on my arms. if there's one thing that I've learned, it's that in traumatic experiences, no one ever comes out the same, something profound always

changes.